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Memory Chipped
Memory Chipped is the second episode of the second season of Better Days, and the 15th overall. Plot Betty loses her glasses once again, so Mr. Krabs and Shicowa make sure she never loses anything again… by implanting a memory chip into her head; Muriel tries to get a man. Transcript begins with an exterior shot of the Retirement Complex, cut to an interior shot of Betty’s room. She is seen searching for her glasses. BETTY: No… no… nope… nada… how did I misplace those glasses anyhow? Krabs walks into Betty’s room. KRABS: Need help there? BETTY: Nope. I just lost my glasses again, that’s all. KRABS: Seriously, Betty? That’s the fifth time this week! BETTY: Apologetically It’s part of being old. KRABS: I’m older than you, yet I still remember when I got me first dollar in great detail. BETTY: I forgot what color a dollar was. KRABS: Sighs They’re green, Betty. BETTY: Oh. KRABS: My point is, there’s no excuse in forgetting your glasses every goddamn day. BETTY: Well, sorry. I can’t help it. KRABS: Trust me, you can. BETTY: How? KRABS: his head I dunno, you could get some medication, maybe? Hmm? BETTY: There’s a medication for forgettin’? (five second pause) I forget, is there? Krabs facepalms to Muriel, at a coffee shop, alone at a table with a cup of coffee MURIEL: sighs I wish I could have a mate. It seems like everyone in town has one. Even Walter had one at one point, but his overdosing caused that divorce. Maybe I should start looking for one. approaches a random tall man MURIEL: Hey sexy, can I touch your nip- gets slapped right across the face, leaving a huge red mark MAN: Weirdo! Go pick on someone your own size! MAURIEL: Alright, fine! exits the coffee shop with her coffee, and heads back to the retirement home MURIEL: Maybe that wasn’t the best idea. for a moment I got it, I’ll work out! Men like that, don’t they? fade to black, end of Act I. 3 Seconds pass. Fade from black beginning Act II, we cut to a shot of Shicowa snoring loudly on his couch. Mr. Krabs enters his room and wakes him up by shaking him SHICOWA: Uhh… is that you, Pringles? KRABS: What the heck is a Pringles? SHICOWA: Never mind. KRABS: Anyway, Betty lost her glasses again. SHICOWA: Again? Seriously, Betty? towards Betty’s room Quit forgettin’ everything, you old hag! BETTY: her room, voice muffled I’m not an old bag! I’m a lady! SHICOWA: Whatever. Geez, she was the smart one around here for the past few months, and now she’s dumb again. Is this some vicious cycle of hers? KRABS: I dunno. You’re asking the guy who never heard of Pringles. SHICOWA: Either way, we need to do something about her forgetfulness. KRABS: an exaggerated voice But how? SHICOWA: an exaggerated Squidward voice We need some wheels. KRABS: Don’t worry, I got just the thing. SHICOWA: Medication? KRABS: Hell, no. You want her to end up like Walter? SHICOWA: shudders Anything but that. KRABS: Then what shall we do? SHICOWA: I dunno. Maybe, umm… implant a chip into her head? KRABS: That’s genius! SHICOWA: Yeah! Let’s do it! to Muriel in her room watching an exercise video EXERCISE MAN: Now let’s work on those legs! With some push-ups! MURIEL: Oh, god. EXERCISE MAN: Let’s go! Down. attempts to do a push-up, but falls to the floor EXERCISE MAN: One. Down. Two. Down. Thre- turns off her TV MURIEL: panting I can’t do this. I need to find another way to get a mate. for a moment I know, I’ll use Fin-der! gets on her phone and gets the app MURIEL: Time to create my profile. Hehehe. goes onto Giggle and looks up “sexy girls” on the image search, and finds the one she wants to use MURIEL: Catfishing is great. Card: Two hours of catfishing later MURIEL: gasps I have 300 matches already! Goddamn! I guess I gotta find the guy I like best. Card: One hour of swiping later MURIEL: I think I got carpal tunnel now. But it’s definitely worth it. I found the love of my life. swoons Brady. sound plays MURIEL: He’s texting me! He’s actually texting me! I gotta respond. ON MURIEL’S PHONE: BRADY: hey baby, whats up? MURIEL: nm u? BRADY: nm. We should meet sometime MURIEL: ye. Where tho BRADY: the coffee shop MURIEL: kk IN REALITY: MURIEL: Does he even know where I live? Oh yeah, I forgot I put it in my bio. I’m so damn excited! This is the peak of my life! to Shicowa at “Chips ‘R Us, Plus a Bunch of Other Computer Crap” [yes, those exist around here to buy a memory chip] SHICOWA (at the front desk): Do you guys happen to have any memory chips? CHIP STORE CLERK: Of course. We have plenty. SHICOWA: Good. CHIP STORE CLERK (holds out a memory chip): That’ll be five dollars. SHICOWA: That’s cheap. (pulls out the cash) Here you go, ma’am. CHIP STORE CLERK: Thank you for your service. SHICOWA: I’m not a war veteran, but you’re welcome either way. (Cut to Shicowa back in the retirement home) KRABS: You got the chip? SHICOWA: Right here. KRABS: Okay, then. Now we just have to somehow get it inside her head. SHICOWA: Relax, Eugene. I have a lot of experience with operating on people. KRABS: If you say so. SHICOWA: Just let me do my thing. (Shicowa tiptoes into Betty’s room, where she is snoring very loudly. He grabs a scalpel, and the scene shows Mr. Krabs gagging as Shicowa opens her up and implants the chip into her brain. Shicowa walks out of the room.) SHICOWA: A job well done. (Mr. Krabs sprints toward Betty’s bathroom and throws up in the toilet) KRABS: Anyway, what now? SHICOWA: All we have to do now is wait. of Act 2 of Act 3 is at the coffee shop, waiting for Bradley to show up ON MURIEL’S PHONE: MURIEL: where u at BRADY: im at the coffee shop MURIEL: i dont see u anywhere BRADY: i dont see u either MURIEL: take a pic BRADY: image of random guy taking a selfie MURIEL: u sure thats u BRADY: positive MURIEL: liar show me what you really look like BRADY: fine BRADY: image of him giving the middle finger MURIEL: screw you we’re over BRADY: you’re just some old hag anyway MURIEL: no u BACK TO REALITY: MURIEL: her head down on the table she’s sitting at, tears streaming onto the table walks into the coffee shop and sees Muriel crying MAJA: Muriel, are you okay? MURIEL: Not at all. Brady just broke up with me. MAJA: Lemme guess, Fin-der? MURIEL: Yeah. MAJA: Never trust people on Fin-der, you know. Crap like that happens on a daily basis. MURIEL: You and Adam have a loving relationship. What’s it like? MAJA: It’s not as good as you may think. Yeah, it’s great to have a partner, but they can have some serious flaws in them. MURIEL: Oh. MAJA: Some people find it best to be single. MURIEL: I guess. (Three hours later, Betty wakes up. When she stands up, she feels strange) BETTY: My brain feels weird. Something’s up with me. Oh, well. I’m old anyway, so I might as well deal with it. Wait a minute. What did Mark say 457 days earlier at 12:05 pm? *gasps* He said that I was a… retard! I gotta get revenge on him! enters Shicowa’s room and slaps him right in the face SHICOWA: Ow! What was that for? BETTY: For calling me a retard 457 days earlier at 12:05 pm. SHICOWA: How the hell did you know that? BETTY: I dunno. SHICOWA: Hold on a second. (Sprays stuff all over Betty, making her pass out) (Shicowa once again opens up her head, making Mr. Krabs unconsciously go into Betty’s bathroom and puke again) SHICOWA: Whoa. I didn’t know how old her brain was. There’s literally cobwebs in this brain! I think I know how to cure alzheimer’s once and for all. I’m gonna be famous. I’m gonna change the world! (closes her brain, making Betty conscious again) KRABS: Yeah, yeah. Whatever, Mark-o. SHICOWA: No, really. I gotta submit this. I’m gonna be filthy rich! Woo-hoo! KRABS: How can old people be geniuses anyway? They’re too fat and slow and… fat. BETTY: becoming overweight Say what now? KRABS: Nothing, nothing. Anyway, you can’t change the world, Mark. Shicowa: Yes I can, dumbass! over to the post office to send a letter I’m gonna be stinkin’ rich! KRABS: This won’t end well. BETTY: Yeah. He called me fat! (eats celery) to Muriel on her laptop MURIEL: I’m gonna find out where that jerk is hiding, then I’m gonna get my revenge. types stuff on the laptop MURIEL: Found him. Living 70 miles ahead. Hoo boy this is gonna be a long trip Card: 70 painstakingly long miles of driving later finally stops the car where Brady lives MURIEL: This is it. The moment of truth. And revenge. rings his doorbell opens the door. Muriel lays a package on the rug and quickly hides in a bush BRADY: Um, hello? at package Looks like the Picon I ordered. Finally! package to see a rabid Walter inside jumps out, making frothing noises BRADY: at the top of his lungs AAAAAAAHHHH! A crazy person! runs into his car and drives away WALTER: giggles I knew I could scare him. pops out of the bushes MURIEL: I knew you could help. WALTER: laughs No charge, m’lady. (cut to Shicowa over at the post office. He quickly sends in the letter sent to the President, then he leaves) (cut back to the retirement home) SHICOWA: (sarcastically) Did you change the world? KRABS: Not just yet. SHICOWA: Welp, too bad. Guess you won’t become famous. KRABS: Not just yet, Mark! We need patience. BETTY: From past things you’ve done, I’d say you’re the opposite of patient. KRABS: Shut up, Betty! Anyway, I say we wait for something to happen. SHICOWA: Like that’ll happen. KRABS: Just wait. Hold on, I gotta use the bathroom. (exits room) BETTY: I say we make a fake news segment so he believes he actually did something. SHICOWA: Genius! I knew old hags could do stuff! Card: One Week Later SHICOWA: Anything happen yet? KRABS: Not yet. SHICOWA: Face it, Eugene, nothing will happen. BETTY: Wait! Look at the TV! NEWS ANCHOR SHICOWA: Breaking news! Memory chips for the elderly will be available in stores today! These memory chips can be implanted into someone’s head in order to make them… uh…. Less… dumb? muttering NEWS ANCHOR SHICOWA: Oh, yeah. Anyways, this will change the world! pauses BETTY: So what do you think? KRABS: I TOLD YOU SO! (shakes his ass in front of Shicowa and Betty) SHICOWA: Should we tell him? BETTY: Definitely not. It’s better for him not to know. SHICOWA: Agreed. KRABS: I CHANGED THE WORLD! I’M A GAME CHANGER, WOO HOO! IN YOUR DAMN FACES, OLD HAGS! WOO-HOO! SHICOWA: Isn’t the bleach in that cabinet over there? BETTY: Walter drank it all. SHICOWA: Uh oh. over to Walter’s room Don’t drink the yellow bleach, Walter! It’ll get ya killed! SALESMAN ON TV: Don’t drink bleach! Drink Drain Cleaner! giggles, Scene fades to black as episode ends. END